Honesty: Still the Best Policy

"Even children show what they are by what they do; you can tell if they are honest and good." Proverbs 20:11

Let me begin with a confession: Honesty is not something that has ever been easy for me. As a child in particular, I had a terrible time with telling the truth. Even today, when I am in a bind, my first instinct is to bend the truth a bit in order to save face; it is a victory every time I overcome that inclination and choose the truth. I have learned the hard way, living with people's lack of trust and my own guilt, how important honesty and integrity are, so perhaps this hard-won battle is why I am so firm with my children on the topic of honesty, and why the following discussion is weighing so heavily on my mind.

You see, this week I asserted that lying, particularly deliberate misrepresentation of who you are, is bad. For this, I was called narrow-minded and judgmental. I even had Matthew 7:1 quoted to me. Now, there are times when I can concede that my way might not work for someone else, that it's up for interpretation, that your perspective is valid, and so on. However, I simply cannot reconcile teaching my children to tell the truth all the time, teaching them that personal honesty and integrity in all parts of their lives is essential, and deliberate misrepresentation.

So, what is this weighty topic which spurred this intense debate?

Facebook. Namely, allowing your child to have a Facebook account before they are thirteen.

Now, I'm sure some of you are looking at the screen saying, "Seriously? That's not a big deal at all!" In fact, some of you may have helped your child get an account early yourselves.

I dealt with this question last year, when my twelve-year-old daughter's best friend, who was eleven at the time, got a Facebook account. I was told that it was "not fair." However, I told her that to get her an account I would have to lie about her age. Did she want me to be a liar? She still is unhappy about not being on Facebook, and simply cannot wait for her birthday this spring, but she no longer asks for one, because she recognizes that my integrity is at stake.

I understand that Facebook is not a huge issue, in the grand scheme of things. The person with whom I had the conflict this week even had a reasonable excuse for getting her child on early - namely, to keep her child in contact with long-distance relatives. Her reasoning goes back to a concept called "situational ethics," which basically asserts that there are no universal rights or wrongs; that each situation demands its own application of values.

Episcopal pastor Joseph Fletcher phrased situation ethics in a clearly Christian context, which says that love is the only absolute value. In his "Naturalism, situation ethics, and value theory," Fletcher asserts:

Since 'circumstances alter cases', situationism holds that in practice what in some times and places we call right is in other times and places wrong... For example, lying is not ordinarily in the best interest of interpersonal communication and social integrity, but is justifiable nevertheless in certain situations.

 I will agree with Fletcher, to a point. If telling the truth will cost someone their life or safety, I would probably lie. For example, those many people who sheltered Jews from the Nazis lied to save lives. Even Rahab lied to save the lives of the Hebrew spies in the book of Joshua. It must be understood, however, that even these "good" lies carried the potential of dire consequences.

But for the sake of convenience? Because I "know better"? Because it's something I want, or deserve, or am entitled to?

Allow me to take this issue of personal misrepresentation a little further. Allow me to offer some other scenarios, similar to getting an underage child on Facebook. We will start with the sentence, "Because I want my child to have contact with his/ her grandparents, I will lie about his/ her age to get him/ her a Facebook account." Now, I will take that sentence and substitute certain words:

•  Because I want my child to have a positive social experience, I will lie about his/ her age to get him/ her into the latest R-rated movie with his/ her friends.
• Because I want my child to have an excellent education, I will lie on his/ her college application to get him/ her into a better school.
• Because I want my child to have a good job, I will help him/ her lie about his/ her experience on his/ her resume.

 Do these sound as reasonable? Just like the Facebook account, they are all rooted in a loving motivation - the best social, academic, and employment opportunities possible. But are they right?

I heard a man on the radio this morning assert that, while Lance Armstrong was wrong to destroy the character of those who accused him of doping, he was justified in cheating and lying about it, because he had a hard life, and besides they kept making the courses harder. Situationalism. Is it right to lie and cheat because it's hard, and it's the only way to get ahead?

And consider the current case of college football star Manti Te'o. Either he misrepresented himself and devised the elaborate hoax of a fictional girlfriend in order to gin up sympathy and fame, or he had such a hoax perpetrated on him by people who misrepresented themselves to him.

Or how about politicians, who misrepresent themselves and their positions in order to get elected?

Suddenly, finding yourself on the receiving end of personal misrepresentation (dishonesty, lying) doesn't seem so reasonable.

It is positively amazing how many passages can be found in the Bible on the topics of integrity and honesty and uprightness.

"But this is what you must do: Tell the truth to each other. Render verdicts in your courts that are just and that lead to peace.  Don’t scheme against each other. Stop your love of telling lies that you swear are the truth. I hate all these things, says the Lord.” (Zechariah 8:16-17, NLT)

Here is another:

Guard my life and rescue me;
    do not let me be put to shame,
    for I take refuge in you.

May integrity and uprightness protect me,
    because my hope, Lord, is in you.  (Psalm 25:20-21)

From Proverbs 10:

Honest people are safe and secure, but the dishonest will be caught. (verse 9)

Storms come, and the wicked are blown away, but honest people are always safe. (verse 25)

The Lord protects honest people, but destroys those who do wrong. (verse 29)

Situationalism surrounds us. Our culture is filled with individualism, relative morality, and "ends justifies the means" thinking. But for me, I am choosing to develop a lifestyle of honesty and integrity, and will continue to cultivate the same in my daughters. While some things may be up to interpretation, I will continue to maintain that lying, dishonesty, misrepresentation, are wrong. It may be more difficult sometimes, but an "upright life" is actually the freer life - free from guilt, free from fear of being caught, free from loss of trust. Honesty, as they say, is the best policy.

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